Okay, some stuff I forgot to mention! OCD; has my OCD gotten worse these past six days? Yes, definitely - but not nearly as bad as it could be, every day I'm having to fight harder and more often but it's not on top of me. After the progress I've made, I'm determined not to return to how I was a year ago, no way. Between this break up and my new job, things could have gone so badly so I'm thankful that it's holding out. Hurrah!
Granted, the flipside is that I'm relieving my anxiety by smoking wee minature cigars, but I'll stop that in time:p
Friday 1 June 2007
This is fucking loveless
Okay, well I like the title, but it's just a line from a song I've had in my head all day!
I have a lot of thinking to do now, as seven years is a long time to spend with someone and not change. And looking back at me as a 21 year old, I have changed and I've done a lot. When I met Erika I was living in my parents house and enjoying it. Having moved into a flat of my own, in a new city, I adjusted to those responsibilities and enjoyed myself. When we later moved country and lived together officially, I've had to again adjust, this time to another new place and a new job, in a country that I wasn't quite sure of. And the job sucked. But it's not something I'v given much thought to until now, when I'm trying to adjust my mindset to being single again, to thinking in the singular, to having to think about things rather than defer them to decide with my partner. To realising that I'm actually single and that I don't even remember how to be single! Take the past four years in Belfast, and everything I've done, I've done it with Erika. Seen her every day, been in constant contact, going to work and then spending the evenings together, cooking together, sleeping together, doing chores together (okay, she'll tell you she did more than me!), paying bills together, making decisions together. I've come to think of myself as a boyfriend rather than a person, part of a team. And suddenly not only are those things my own responsibility - and of course I know Erika is in the same position, don't think I'm not aware of that - but I have a whole host of options available to me. I plan on staying in Belfast as I like it here, but I don't have to, I can move home or to Edinburgh where my friend Brian is, back to Hull which I enjoyed, or somewhere completely new. I could do anything. Suddenly I'm aware that perhaps I should be more concerned about my interaction with people because the cushion is no longer there to the same extent. I'd always know that I'm going home to Erika and that's all that matters. But perhaps now I should make more of an effort to make friends with people. I like being a friend, and I like trying to be a good friend. Maybe I should give people a chance rather than blocking them out. Maybe I should actually use this free time to do something constructive, maybe I should start saving money for something good. I don't know. But I need to start looking at myself as I now feel like the spotlight is suddenly on me and I have nothing to offer the audience; no ideas, opinions, preferences. No real beliefs. Ask me to describe myself and I'd struggle. I'm just a vague mess of nothingness. All I know is that we've done the right thing, but I need to look at who I am, what I feel and what I want. Fun stuff.
I have a lot of thinking to do now, as seven years is a long time to spend with someone and not change. And looking back at me as a 21 year old, I have changed and I've done a lot. When I met Erika I was living in my parents house and enjoying it. Having moved into a flat of my own, in a new city, I adjusted to those responsibilities and enjoyed myself. When we later moved country and lived together officially, I've had to again adjust, this time to another new place and a new job, in a country that I wasn't quite sure of. And the job sucked. But it's not something I'v given much thought to until now, when I'm trying to adjust my mindset to being single again, to thinking in the singular, to having to think about things rather than defer them to decide with my partner. To realising that I'm actually single and that I don't even remember how to be single! Take the past four years in Belfast, and everything I've done, I've done it with Erika. Seen her every day, been in constant contact, going to work and then spending the evenings together, cooking together, sleeping together, doing chores together (okay, she'll tell you she did more than me!), paying bills together, making decisions together. I've come to think of myself as a boyfriend rather than a person, part of a team. And suddenly not only are those things my own responsibility - and of course I know Erika is in the same position, don't think I'm not aware of that - but I have a whole host of options available to me. I plan on staying in Belfast as I like it here, but I don't have to, I can move home or to Edinburgh where my friend Brian is, back to Hull which I enjoyed, or somewhere completely new. I could do anything. Suddenly I'm aware that perhaps I should be more concerned about my interaction with people because the cushion is no longer there to the same extent. I'd always know that I'm going home to Erika and that's all that matters. But perhaps now I should make more of an effort to make friends with people. I like being a friend, and I like trying to be a good friend. Maybe I should give people a chance rather than blocking them out. Maybe I should actually use this free time to do something constructive, maybe I should start saving money for something good. I don't know. But I need to start looking at myself as I now feel like the spotlight is suddenly on me and I have nothing to offer the audience; no ideas, opinions, preferences. No real beliefs. Ask me to describe myself and I'd struggle. I'm just a vague mess of nothingness. All I know is that we've done the right thing, but I need to look at who I am, what I feel and what I want. Fun stuff.
Saturday 26 May 2007
Health Part 2
Well the doctors wasn't bad, high cholestrol and liver marginally not quite right. Eat healthily and go back in six months for the cholestrol. Go back in six weeks for the liver, see if anything has changed; in the meantime, take Ibuprofen rather than Paracetamol for headaches. So, not much there really.
Elsewhere, not much happening, which befits a blog announcing nothing at all. Blah.
Elsewhere, not much happening, which befits a blog announcing nothing at all. Blah.
Tuesday 22 May 2007
It all goes up in smoke...
Okay, one more... so, over the last few weeks I've been smoking cigars (only little ones, like the length of a cigarette) left right and centre. It started with buying a tin with the intention of having one 'when I get a job', then it was because I had an interview, a hard day, it's the weekend, i'm leaving my old job, i've started my new one, any reason really. ME and Erika have had arguments over it with her saying I'll get addicted to smoking again and me (quite wrongly) claiming that that wasn't going to happen. Yet it is, and I've ben having that every day. So the remainder of the tin went into the bin tonight, when Erika gets in I'll have to tell she was right, and that'll be the end of my smoking (well, until there's something to celebrate...) ha! Really, no, I just like smoking too much, it's just not going to work. Pah.
So, who didn't drink to my good health? Bastard!
Right, second blog, subject - health. I get a lot of headaches and have looked into lots of different ways of preventing them without any real success. So my doctor asked me to do a blood test, which I did. He phoned the other week to say that my results showed high cholestrol and also he wasn't sure my liver was functioning fully, so he wanted me to do a second blood test. I did this last Thursday and the results should be in this Thursday.
SO, I've since found out that my Ma has high cholestrol, and has taken tablets for it since she was in her early thirties (she's 50 now). I noticed today on a packet of tablets (paracetamol) that it warned "Consult your doctor if you have sever kidney or liver disease" which I don't (as far as I know!) but got me thinking that perhaps my liver isn't functioning properly because of all the pills I take for my headaches - but we'll see what the doctor says, I think that's likely though as I've been taking them several times a week for YEARS. So if it is that, I'm sure it can be resolved.
Finally, my Ma said that when she was taking these tablets (I may be confused as she's also had problems with headaches / migraines and stomach) that she had low levels of serotonin so was given tablets to boost that for a few years. Serotonin eh, now that rings a bell...
SO, I've since found out that my Ma has high cholestrol, and has taken tablets for it since she was in her early thirties (she's 50 now). I noticed today on a packet of tablets (paracetamol) that it warned "Consult your doctor if you have sever kidney or liver disease" which I don't (as far as I know!) but got me thinking that perhaps my liver isn't functioning properly because of all the pills I take for my headaches - but we'll see what the doctor says, I think that's likely though as I've been taking them several times a week for YEARS. So if it is that, I'm sure it can be resolved.
Finally, my Ma said that when she was taking these tablets (I may be confused as she's also had problems with headaches / migraines and stomach) that she had low levels of serotonin so was given tablets to boost that for a few years. Serotonin eh, now that rings a bell...
Good job? You can bet on it!
Okay, start things off on a positive note! So it's now over a week since I started my new job, and so far it's been great, I'm very happy to report!
The people are friendly, yet from the start I've been shown how to do the job and not having to be all social too much, I didn't even get introduced to everyone! So that was good, I got introduced to the other members of our team (of 5), and have been saying hello to other people as and when I see them, in the kitchen or whatever.
So the bloke that's been training me has been really good, he's very good at explaining things and is patient and upbeat - so far I haven't come across any bitching which is good.
As for the job itself, I couldn't really ask for more. I've been setting up sports fixtures on the computer as betting events, and inputting sports results. There's about 18 small tv's with odds on, mainly horses and greyhounds, plus other sports. Three big screens with tv on them, one dedictaed to horses and dogs, the others showing sports news and whatever event happens to be on - football highlights, tennis, cricket, golf, whatever. The office is adult and laid back, no stupid patronising rules or people yet. The kitchen is huge, they provide you with milk, tea, coffee (make your own of course) plus there's a microwave, a dishwasher and even a cooker!
So after seven days in, I'm thoroughly enjoying it and am enjoying actually going to work and looking forward to it, it's a long time since that happened. So, hurrah!
The people are friendly, yet from the start I've been shown how to do the job and not having to be all social too much, I didn't even get introduced to everyone! So that was good, I got introduced to the other members of our team (of 5), and have been saying hello to other people as and when I see them, in the kitchen or whatever.
So the bloke that's been training me has been really good, he's very good at explaining things and is patient and upbeat - so far I haven't come across any bitching which is good.
As for the job itself, I couldn't really ask for more. I've been setting up sports fixtures on the computer as betting events, and inputting sports results. There's about 18 small tv's with odds on, mainly horses and greyhounds, plus other sports. Three big screens with tv on them, one dedictaed to horses and dogs, the others showing sports news and whatever event happens to be on - football highlights, tennis, cricket, golf, whatever. The office is adult and laid back, no stupid patronising rules or people yet. The kitchen is huge, they provide you with milk, tea, coffee (make your own of course) plus there's a microwave, a dishwasher and even a cooker!
So after seven days in, I'm thoroughly enjoying it and am enjoying actually going to work and looking forward to it, it's a long time since that happened. So, hurrah!
Sunday 20 May 2007
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